Dad

This was something I wrote today 4/27/09, that I was told by a counselor,would help me it is a letter that I wrote as if it was my father writing to me, its all the things I'd wished he said...

Adro,
As you know I have terminal cancer, and am going to die, in knowing this there are some things I would like to say to you.
First of all I want you to know that I am happy to have been able to have adopted you, and to have been able to be your father. I know that at times it may not have seemed true or that I did not act like it but I loved you always. When I was a kid my parents were abusive to me, and while I swore that I would never lay a hand on my child, I realize now that, just because I said I would not physically hurt you, that doesn't mean that I didn't hurt you emotionally or verbally. I know that how my parents treated me isn't an excuse, but I hope that it will help you understand me a little better one day. I know that there was an instance when I did put my hand on you, I grabbed your arm and you looked me in the face and you said " ow, that hurts, let go of me" which made me realize what I was doing, and I felt so ashamed, so I did not speak to you for a day or so. I hate that I said hurtful things to you and assumed that you talking about your bad dream, with everyone bleeding, was what you actually wanted to happen to me, and that time you heard mom and I arguing in the basement all the way up in your room and you came down and yelled at us to stop it, or the times I would argue with you and your mom and would say " Do you want your mom and I to get a divorce? because thats what your doing, making us argue" I understand that you talked about your bad dreams because they scared you and I am sorry that I did not validate your fears but instead was paranoid and thought it was about me. I know that I did not validate you, and I am sure that most of your life you did not feel heard, or like you had a say. I am truly sorry for every single word and action that I took that ever hurt you. If I had more time with you, I would work on being a better father and making sure that you know that you are smart, and beautiful, and worthy. If I had it to do all over again I would do it very differently and I would certainly treat you and your mother differently. I would no longer give you gifts to express my love, because you now are never satisfied and always are left wanting something more because you have a hole left where my love for you should have been, I tried to fill it with material items rather than my time, and affection and support. I had no idea that my actions and words would have such a lasting impact on you and how they have made you the self conscious unsure person that you are today.
I wish that I could live long enough to see you get married and would have the opportunity to walk you down the aisle, if you would have me. I am regretful not to get to see your children and what a great mom you will be, you will be a far better parent than I have been to you. You are working on yourself, so that you do not continue the cycle of abuse, I truly hope that you succeed in these efforts. I am unbelievably proud of you for making such efforts and for being as resilient and ambitious and compassionate as you are! I know that you are a good person and that you will do big things in your life, and that you will help many people that you come across, and I hope that you find your happiness someday soon rather than later. I hope that in all the harm I have done to your life that you did take something good away from me.
I know that a lot of the things I did, did not make sense, like my scary mean moods after I vaccumed, or how I felt about church, or talking about the fact that you were adopted, treating you like you were always out to do the worst thing or think the worst thing possible, or how I accused you of running away, when I am sick with cancer, I now know you were just moving a bag from one room to another to help with the carpets being cleaned, I am sorry for it all, I don't know why I was these ways I know that you are bitter and frustrated that I was not a good father to you, and that is fair, I know that I provided for you plenty materially but that that is not what you truly needed, you needed my love, my validation, and my support. I wish I could have accepted you for who you were. You should have never had to deal with the horrors that you had to deal with. I am sorry that you feared the time I came home everyday, because you never knew which me you were going to get. It is NOT your fault that I treated you these ways. You did NOT deserve it and you DID deserve a "good" father. I tried to do the best I could with the tools I had, but I probably should have never been a father. I hope more than anything that you do NOT let my faults in your life affect you for years, like I allowed my parents' affect me. Do not let your life pass you by being depressed and unsure and untrusting, like I taught you to be, go, live, love, laugh, enjoy, and please please please most of all be happy and content and comfortable in who you are.
I truly am so so so sorry for everything and hope to make it up to you by explaining everything and spending quality time with you when I see you in Heaven. I hope you know that I Love you so much and was extremely blessed to have you as a daughter, you brought an unbelievable amount of joy to my life.
Love Always
Your proud Daddy

This is something I shared on facebook and wrote back in 2009. It is a glimpse into my past, that has taken me years to overcome and I feel that I finally have overcome this chapter of my life, through forgiveness and a lot of work, for me in counseling. I hope that if there is anyone that you need to forgive that you find your way and know that if you need an ear I am here to listen! It was really amazing sharing this on facebook because the response I got was amazing. I also posted it onto some group pages on there for kids who were abused, thinking it could help others. People I didn't even know wrote their own letters and emailed them to me or posted them under mine on the group pages. A girl I knew in High School but didn't associate with ( because she was more popular than me, and I was intimidated) wrote me asking if I felt it helped and told me her personal story of abuse! I hope by posting this that it helps someone else gain their voice and realize that emotional, sexual, physical abuse and neglect are not normal and are not okay, and that while forgiveness takes time, and you may think you'll never get there, I promise it is possible and oh so freeing! But whether you want to forgive or not I hope that you find happiness despite your circumstances! I believe in you! Love Adrienne