" I understand why this can be so hard"

So I've been away for a bit because I just started my internship and classes and it consumes lots of time. I was checking my email today and I had signed up for this site called sparkpeople.com and I get emails from them and some of them are from people's blogs on there about their weight loss. ( Its a very cool, free weight loss tool)  I randomly choose to click and read that email and I am glad I did, yes sometimes I just delete them, especially if I don't think they really apply to me. This one was titled " I understand why this can be so hard", and I guess my thought was well yeah, that applies to me, b/c this is certainly hard, and I am getting no where especially when I weighed in yesterday and after doing the cleanse with advocare managed to gain 3 lbs! Who manages to gain 3 lbs while on a cleanse?!? UMMM that would sadly be THIS chick! So anyways this is what it simply yet eloquently said:
"To lose the weight would mean to allow myself to hurt. To lose weight would mean not numbing myself anymore. It would mean experiencing pain to its maximum. It would also mean experiencing happiness. I tend to forget.

My weight is a barrier between me and others. I've allowed it to define me because I am afraid of defining myself- and being disappointed. To lose weight would mean to experience. To lose the weight would mean to break down the walls that have protected me for so long.

To lose weight also means living in the present. To accept your failures and go for your successes. It would mean leaving the realm of "When I lose weight" and enter that of "Today I will".

It is difficult to be thinner because it would entail in living. And life is scary. And life can hurt. But I will find the strength to lose this safety net I have made of my body and allow myself to be for the first time in a while ..." 

As I read this it really spoke to me, something stirred inside me, and  I cried.  I had a feeling there was more to why I was/ am struggling so much to loose weight, and reading this has helped me to identify it. People don't do things unless they are getting something beneficial out of it, it is plain and simple. While one would think that people don't benefit from being overweight, I would say Au Contraire. It in some odd way allows me to have an excuse besides anxiety, for why I don't do some of the simplest of things. I eat as a way to keep from feeling some painful things, some hard or uncomfortable things, because I eat as a coping mechanism. I am constantly afraid of taking a chance and doing something anything in the event that I fail or that I disappoint someone or myself.  I am always telling myself, I will go to the beach when I loose weight, I will go on x,y,z vacation or outing when I lose the weight b/c right now it just wont be fun, but I am really just nervous about going or what might happen out in the world if I go or do whatever it is... so I use my weight as an excuse.  I am putting off life and many great experiences, with my weight as an excuse because I want to be and stay safe and not experience any bad things.  I know this makes very little sense. This is something I hope to gain a better understanding of about myself, and realize I may not have as good a handle on my anxiety as I had thought. I think by realizing that these deeper feelings are apart of my weight loss journey I can get further than I have been able to, especially the more I understand and address these feelings, so that I can stop hiding in myself! <3 AJ