" I understand why this can be so hard"

So I've been away for a bit because I just started my internship and classes and it consumes lots of time. I was checking my email today and I had signed up for this site called sparkpeople.com and I get emails from them and some of them are from people's blogs on there about their weight loss. ( Its a very cool, free weight loss tool)  I randomly choose to click and read that email and I am glad I did, yes sometimes I just delete them, especially if I don't think they really apply to me. This one was titled " I understand why this can be so hard", and I guess my thought was well yeah, that applies to me, b/c this is certainly hard, and I am getting no where especially when I weighed in yesterday and after doing the cleanse with advocare managed to gain 3 lbs! Who manages to gain 3 lbs while on a cleanse?!? UMMM that would sadly be THIS chick! So anyways this is what it simply yet eloquently said:
"To lose the weight would mean to allow myself to hurt. To lose weight would mean not numbing myself anymore. It would mean experiencing pain to its maximum. It would also mean experiencing happiness. I tend to forget.

My weight is a barrier between me and others. I've allowed it to define me because I am afraid of defining myself- and being disappointed. To lose weight would mean to experience. To lose the weight would mean to break down the walls that have protected me for so long.

To lose weight also means living in the present. To accept your failures and go for your successes. It would mean leaving the realm of "When I lose weight" and enter that of "Today I will".

It is difficult to be thinner because it would entail in living. And life is scary. And life can hurt. But I will find the strength to lose this safety net I have made of my body and allow myself to be for the first time in a while ..." 

As I read this it really spoke to me, something stirred inside me, and  I cried.  I had a feeling there was more to why I was/ am struggling so much to loose weight, and reading this has helped me to identify it. People don't do things unless they are getting something beneficial out of it, it is plain and simple. While one would think that people don't benefit from being overweight, I would say Au Contraire. It in some odd way allows me to have an excuse besides anxiety, for why I don't do some of the simplest of things. I eat as a way to keep from feeling some painful things, some hard or uncomfortable things, because I eat as a coping mechanism. I am constantly afraid of taking a chance and doing something anything in the event that I fail or that I disappoint someone or myself.  I am always telling myself, I will go to the beach when I loose weight, I will go on x,y,z vacation or outing when I lose the weight b/c right now it just wont be fun, but I am really just nervous about going or what might happen out in the world if I go or do whatever it is... so I use my weight as an excuse.  I am putting off life and many great experiences, with my weight as an excuse because I want to be and stay safe and not experience any bad things.  I know this makes very little sense. This is something I hope to gain a better understanding of about myself, and realize I may not have as good a handle on my anxiety as I had thought. I think by realizing that these deeper feelings are apart of my weight loss journey I can get further than I have been able to, especially the more I understand and address these feelings, so that I can stop hiding in myself! <3 AJ

pinteresting inspiration

This is another idea that I saw on Pinterest and looked easy enough to make. I had some cardboard laying around and used it to stabilize my collages. I love messages and sayings and decided to add a stamped one to this magnet.  You paint the front with mod podge to seal the paper on the front.                                       

 I used my glue gun to add the magnet to the cardboard.

 Here it is on the fridge.

 These are the three magnets I made. See how much cuter our fridge is! It would be really easy to make them more personalized like the one with the J or you could do initials or even a special photo!

Advocare 24 Day Challenge: Day 1

So I started the Advocare 24 day challenge today. It is a weight loose plan/ diet/system ( whatever word you wanna use, it's really all the same America) that starts with a 10 day cleanse. It begins with you taking a fiber drink mix mixed with water, I mixed mine with this stuff that comes with it called Spark, that you are supposed to substitute in for coffee ( for mental alertness), I mixed it because I had read about the fiber drinks weird consistency but that if you mixed it with the mandarin orange spark it wasn't too bad, and it wasn't if I didn't think too much about the pulpy consistency in my mouth that wasn't orange juice! Right after you do the fiber drink you are supposed to drink down two 8 oz. glasses of water... well I was in a rush because I woke up at 9:30 and had to be at church for 10 and so I was only able to do 1 8 oz glass of water instead because with the fruit( breakfast) and the fiber drink I was full  up to my throat ( or so I felt). I was ready for something else after church though and had some oatmeal, fruit and lots of water... my husband said you know your drinking enough water when you are inconvenienced by how much you gotta pee... well no kidding b/c I had to pee all day, which is good I guess means I'm hydrated and that I will prolly loose some water weight ( I still don't get out drinking tons of water helps you loose water weight not gain it... but I'll leave the understanding that to the nutritionists and other pro.'s out there). I had a salad with chicken on top for lunch and did some grocery shopping for foods to benefit me during the cleanse. When I got home it was time for another snack ( you eat every 3 hours or so) some fruit and plain rice cakes with almond butter on top( this was a favorite today, even though I'm not sure I like the almond butter flavor alone, or the plain rice cakes alone..strange) For dinner I had baked salmon with seasoning, broccoli and cauliflower and some brown rice, and took four omegaplex with it. Right before dinner while I was cooking I had another water with spark mixed in ( you can have 1-3 a day), the hubs and I realized that for a few hours before that and especially right then when I was talking I couldn't think of words or what I was saying was somewhat mixed up and I was struggling to concentrate on what I was saying, I don't know if this was related or not, but maybe I should have had a spark between breakfast and dinner to help my brain out :).  After dinner, right before bed I had to take these horse pills called herbal cleanse and I was supposed to eat another fruit after dinner but decided on my fav. snack of rice cakes and almond butter instead. Sadly the fruit and veggies I ate today were the most I have eaten in awhile, but I don't think I had my ungodly 8 servings for the day... all progress begins with a single step! First day is done, can't wait to see how I do overall! If you have any questions about my experience on Advocare I'd be happy to answer them, and I hope to document my journey of the 24 day challenge, so that others can see what it's like!

A Fashionable Finding

So I was inspired by something ( many things really) that I saw on Pinterest. It was a bracelet made out of a zipper. Naturally, I repinned it to one of my boards. The other day I realized I had several gift cards to a local craft store and they were taking up too much room in my wallet so I decided to go through some of my crafting boards on Pinterest and get supplies to make some of the projects. So here is one of the ziprelet that I made. I will add a charm or two later when I find a coordinating one that I like. I am going to start selling these because they are easy to make and don't take tons of time! Let me know if you are interested, as of now I can make silver or gold( not real obvi.). In naming this post I named it because a "finding" in jewelry making are the parts to make a finished piece like clasps and in this bracelet the zipper becomes one of those. When I looked back at my title I realized that I named this post appropriately because the idea was also a fashionable finding on Pinterest.

Finished lighthouse painting

Here is my finished lighthouse painting, to see the first post about my painting please see my post titled painting.  I realized how much I enjoy painting and think it is something I will do more of!

painting

So my hubby recently saw a nautical map of Cape Cod with a painted image ( probably of some sort of US Coast Guard plane) on it and since we are a USCG family and have a nautical guest room decided he wanted one to put up framed in there as wall art. That was all well and good, and I was impressed he was interested in decorating :), until we saw the price to buy one. Well I happen to be somewhat artistic, more crafty and so he bought two of these nautical maps and gave them to me ( stating that one was in case I messed up, knowing my lack of confidence, but really thanks for the vote of confidence, lol, he tried to dig out of the proverbial hole by saying one was for me to sell if I decided I really enjoyed doing them!). Anyways I got to work in a sketch book and tried to draw the lighthouse he picked out ( I guess because a plane would be too difficult?) I don't know if it is my complete and utter lack of spacial intelligence that hinders me or some other lack of intelligence that hinders me, but for the life of me I cannot look at something and draw it. So when I showed him my drawing I wasn't surprised when he found things to tweak on it and didn't seem excited for me to draw on one of the actual maps, nor was I excited to. I let them sit in my craft room secretly hoping they'd magically vanish, if I ignored them, intimidated by what they represented me having to do! I saw something about a month ago, something that took me back to my childhood as an assistant principal's kid. Since my mom worked in the school I was able to use the opaque projector as a child for my school projects (and loved every minute of it), well I saw that they now made smaller, less accurate, less expensive versions! I half jokingly told the hubbs that if we bought one I would do his Cape Cod nautical maps and forgot about it. Well he did buy me one and so I started to work drawing ( okay okay your right, I was simply tracing) the chosen lighthouse onto the map the other night, then I got to painting it last night. I haven't painted since my High School art classes, and had forgotten just how relaxing and enjoyable painting was and how because I am so cautious in life I was actually good at it, getting into the tight spots, but really enjoyed the larger spaces as well because I could paint with reckless abandon ( within the lines :P). So after all of this rambling you are dying to see it aren't you?!? Well here are a few pics of my  first night of painting, it is not done yet but I will post more pics later! oh and by the way when I was in art class I got blessed with an art teacher who didn't compare the students' abilities to each other because if she had I would have failed. I loved watching others' do their masterpieces and always left feeling like I was an elementary level artist and all my peers were in college art and I walked into the wrong room. I say this to say that when I posted the pics on my FB wall a few of the kids from those art classes, who were far superior, actually liked my pics! I have included the pic that I traced from and am using as a reference, I don't think I want the yellowy color on the light house as is in the pic. Thanks for looking, I'd love for you to leave me comments!

Candle gift

These are some candles I made for my mom and mother in law for when they came up for Thanksgiving. I just wanted to give them something as a token of thanks for coming up to spend the holiday with us. These make great simple gifts for teachers, neighbors, coworkers, family and friends. Buy a candle ( or make it if you are so inclined) and buy some ribbon that is in a coordinating color to the candle color or the holiday and simply take off the label on the candle glass and hot glue the ribbon to the glass.  You could also make a cute tag with some sort of sentiment for the gift as well. Happy Giving!

Dad

This was something I wrote today 4/27/09, that I was told by a counselor,would help me it is a letter that I wrote as if it was my father writing to me, its all the things I'd wished he said...

Adro,
As you know I have terminal cancer, and am going to die, in knowing this there are some things I would like to say to you.
First of all I want you to know that I am happy to have been able to have adopted you, and to have been able to be your father. I know that at times it may not have seemed true or that I did not act like it but I loved you always. When I was a kid my parents were abusive to me, and while I swore that I would never lay a hand on my child, I realize now that, just because I said I would not physically hurt you, that doesn't mean that I didn't hurt you emotionally or verbally. I know that how my parents treated me isn't an excuse, but I hope that it will help you understand me a little better one day. I know that there was an instance when I did put my hand on you, I grabbed your arm and you looked me in the face and you said " ow, that hurts, let go of me" which made me realize what I was doing, and I felt so ashamed, so I did not speak to you for a day or so. I hate that I said hurtful things to you and assumed that you talking about your bad dream, with everyone bleeding, was what you actually wanted to happen to me, and that time you heard mom and I arguing in the basement all the way up in your room and you came down and yelled at us to stop it, or the times I would argue with you and your mom and would say " Do you want your mom and I to get a divorce? because thats what your doing, making us argue" I understand that you talked about your bad dreams because they scared you and I am sorry that I did not validate your fears but instead was paranoid and thought it was about me. I know that I did not validate you, and I am sure that most of your life you did not feel heard, or like you had a say. I am truly sorry for every single word and action that I took that ever hurt you. If I had more time with you, I would work on being a better father and making sure that you know that you are smart, and beautiful, and worthy. If I had it to do all over again I would do it very differently and I would certainly treat you and your mother differently. I would no longer give you gifts to express my love, because you now are never satisfied and always are left wanting something more because you have a hole left where my love for you should have been, I tried to fill it with material items rather than my time, and affection and support. I had no idea that my actions and words would have such a lasting impact on you and how they have made you the self conscious unsure person that you are today.
I wish that I could live long enough to see you get married and would have the opportunity to walk you down the aisle, if you would have me. I am regretful not to get to see your children and what a great mom you will be, you will be a far better parent than I have been to you. You are working on yourself, so that you do not continue the cycle of abuse, I truly hope that you succeed in these efforts. I am unbelievably proud of you for making such efforts and for being as resilient and ambitious and compassionate as you are! I know that you are a good person and that you will do big things in your life, and that you will help many people that you come across, and I hope that you find your happiness someday soon rather than later. I hope that in all the harm I have done to your life that you did take something good away from me.
I know that a lot of the things I did, did not make sense, like my scary mean moods after I vaccumed, or how I felt about church, or talking about the fact that you were adopted, treating you like you were always out to do the worst thing or think the worst thing possible, or how I accused you of running away, when I am sick with cancer, I now know you were just moving a bag from one room to another to help with the carpets being cleaned, I am sorry for it all, I don't know why I was these ways I know that you are bitter and frustrated that I was not a good father to you, and that is fair, I know that I provided for you plenty materially but that that is not what you truly needed, you needed my love, my validation, and my support. I wish I could have accepted you for who you were. You should have never had to deal with the horrors that you had to deal with. I am sorry that you feared the time I came home everyday, because you never knew which me you were going to get. It is NOT your fault that I treated you these ways. You did NOT deserve it and you DID deserve a "good" father. I tried to do the best I could with the tools I had, but I probably should have never been a father. I hope more than anything that you do NOT let my faults in your life affect you for years, like I allowed my parents' affect me. Do not let your life pass you by being depressed and unsure and untrusting, like I taught you to be, go, live, love, laugh, enjoy, and please please please most of all be happy and content and comfortable in who you are.
I truly am so so so sorry for everything and hope to make it up to you by explaining everything and spending quality time with you when I see you in Heaven. I hope you know that I Love you so much and was extremely blessed to have you as a daughter, you brought an unbelievable amount of joy to my life.
Love Always
Your proud Daddy

This is something I shared on facebook and wrote back in 2009. It is a glimpse into my past, that has taken me years to overcome and I feel that I finally have overcome this chapter of my life, through forgiveness and a lot of work, for me in counseling. I hope that if there is anyone that you need to forgive that you find your way and know that if you need an ear I am here to listen! It was really amazing sharing this on facebook because the response I got was amazing. I also posted it onto some group pages on there for kids who were abused, thinking it could help others. People I didn't even know wrote their own letters and emailed them to me or posted them under mine on the group pages. A girl I knew in High School but didn't associate with ( because she was more popular than me, and I was intimidated) wrote me asking if I felt it helped and told me her personal story of abuse! I hope by posting this that it helps someone else gain their voice and realize that emotional, sexual, physical abuse and neglect are not normal and are not okay, and that while forgiveness takes time, and you may think you'll never get there, I promise it is possible and oh so freeing! But whether you want to forgive or not I hope that you find happiness despite your circumstances! I believe in you! Love Adrienne

fiber gourmet pasta!

Hi my name's Adrienne and I have some serious weight to lose. I'm the girl who has always struggled with her weight, but it has gotten weigh** out of hand this time.  There are obviously changes that must come to have different results. One such change I have made and want to talk about is PASTA. I freaking love the stuff! I mean my favorite sound is literally pasta being stirred in a pot, that oowey goowey sloshey sound. So with this somewhat unhealthy love of pasta how am I supposed to loose weight and not deprive myself of something I like? Well I don't believe in depriving myself of all things I like ( we only live once and I wanna enjoy it) , so I have found an alternative.
I found it when talking with a friend about calorie counting. I looked up low calorie foods and found Fiber Gourmet Pasta on Amazon ( of all places). It can be hard to find in stores and the stores I frequent weren't listed when I searched on their site, as carrying it. So I ordered some. I know many people who are trying to be healthy eat the whole grain or whole wheat pastas, that are a brown color. To me these are not as good tasting as regular pasta or as soft. I can honestly say that Fiber Gourmet Pasta does taste like regular pasta! I can also say it has 40% fewer calories than regular pasta, at just 130 calories a serving!!! It also has a ton of fiber which is great for your health- an 18 whopping grams that is! ( 72% of what one needs daily). To me this is a win win! I can have my pasta, and I can have no guilt about eating it too! I will provide a link to their website if you are interested in trying it. The company also has other foods like crackers and cake mixes and Macmmmcheese ( which I have also tried, comparable to the blue box, but the cheese doesn't cover all the noodles as well, still good though if you've ruled out the blue box due to wanting to loose weight etc.) Oh and their products are made in the US with ingredients from the US! (no lead from China ( j/k))  http://www.fibergourmet.com/ClassicPastaHealthy.aspx
  Here are the nutrition facts off of their pasta. In looking at their site they also have different flavors like tomato, garlic and parsley, one of which is Whole Wheat.  Here is the nutrition label from  http://www.fibergourmet.com/Nutrition.aspx
 
 Would you try Fiber Gourmet pasta? Do you have other pasta recommendations?  Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear what you think!

I do not work for or get anything from Fiber Gourmet or anyone else for expressing these opinions.